


bro, you're fucking hung

by oodal (softkyun)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Multi, and akaashi suffers the consequences, dick magic, for science, handjob, in which kuroboku is ridiculously bro, too much bro talk i can't believe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-07-04
Packaged: 2018-04-07 13:51:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4265628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softkyun/pseuds/oodal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Koutarou and Tetsurou get a little curious and competitive at a sleepover with Keiji. Shit happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	bro, you're fucking hung

**Author's Note:**

> this is a fill written for saso 2015 to the prompt:
> 
> Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou
> 
> "bro, you're fucking hung." -aph-badtouchtrio's brother (from a tumblr post)
> 
> i... can't believe i wrote this.. i hope you like it anyways and as per usual.. feel free to... get in touch with me.....

"Foooooood."

Koutarou stares desperately at Keiji as he makes his next, and final plea.

"Please, give me fooood." Somewhere in the background, he hears Tetsurou - currently half-asleep on his bed - snort with knowing laughter, because it wasn't often that a sleepover went by without Koutarou requesting that food be prepared for him. He asked both of them, typically, but Keiji was the one who was more likely to do it, especially since they weren't watching a movie at the moment. Instead, the three of them are sprawled out in various places across Koutarou's bedroom; Tetsurou is sprawled out over a beanbag, Koutarou is taking up the head of the bed, and Keiji is lying across the foot of it.

"Now?" Keiji asks, despite knowing what the other's answer will be.

"Please!! It would be awesome!!"

".. Fine." Keiji relents, stands, and heads out of the room, unaware of the chaos that will take place while he prepares some easy mac.

\---

"Turn it down if we aren't gonna watch anything, Koutarou." Tetsurou mumbles sleepily from the beanbag, opening one eye to glance at the television as Koutarou flips the channels mindlessly. He expects Koutarou to whine at him, but the next thing he hears from the other boy is a choked noise. 

Instantly alert - and he can thank Lev for that - Tetsurou shoots into an upright position, looking to Koutarou.

"Are you alr---....?" Halfway through his concerned remark, he notices that the other male is frozen, staring at the television as if it contains the world's secrets. Tetsurou's brows furrow as he follows the other's gaze to the current show, and then he feels his own jaw begin to drop.

Somehow, Koutarou has found a gay porno, on early Friday evening television, and he isn't changing the channel. It plays for maybe a minute more before Koutarou pulls his gaze away, turning his head towards Tetsurou.

"... Tetsu, how do they decide who tops?" He asks, and if Tetsurou were drinking, he would've spit it out all over Koutarou's bedroom.

"Man, I don't know?? Why would I know something like that??" Tetsurou responds, staring now at Koutarou. He looks unusually thoughtful, which is worrying enough to Tetsurou. Koutarou isn't stupid, for sure, but when he thinks too hard, Tetsurou gets a little bit concerned for where things are going to go. Even more concerning than that, however, is that Tetsurou can't get the question out of his mind. Before he can stop himself, his eyes drift back to the television.

"Maybe, like, the guy with the biggest dick tops? No matter what?? I mean, that guy, looks, well, huge." He offers this explanation, and the slow nod of affirmation he gets from Koutarou makes him worried. Koutarou can't seem to stop thinking about it; he leans forward on his elbows, as if getting closer to the TV set might give him more answers. He taps his fingers against his cheek, and then looks at Tetsurou again.

"So, no homo or anything, but like. If we were gay, I'd probably top, because my dick is pretty big?" 

"... No homo or anything, but my dick is probably bigger." 

Koutarou is sitting up now, staring at Tetsurou like he's grown two heads.

"No way!! My dick is like, bigger than half the team's! I've fuckin' checked!"

"I'm not in your locker room, you have no way of knowing!"

"I'm telling you, mine is like, a concealed weapon, I swear to God,"

"Prove it."

The bantering halts then, when Tetsurou demands proof of Koutarou's insane claims.

"Uh, you want me to pull my pants down and prove it?" Koutarou asks, and Tetsurou's cheeks burn with the realization that, yes, that is essentially what he's requested of Koutarou.

"Well, you said no homo, so doesn't that like, keep it from being homo? Besides, I've seen loads of dicks, obviously you have too, so like. It's not gay if girls see other girls' boobs, so, right?" Tetsurou gets the weird feeling he's trying to talk himself into something, but it doesn't take much for Koutarou to be talked into something, so he stands up. Tetsurou ignores the way his mouth goes dry - he's just thirsty or something, is all, where is Akaashi, anyways? - and settles back a little bit into the squishy fabric of his beanbag.

Koutarou drops his pants, and Tetsurou's eyes widen, but he shakes his head.

"Nah, man, I'm definitely bigger. You tried, but... nah." Tetsurou reclines a little more, confident in the fact that he's most definitely the one here who is bigger in size. He's about ready to ask for the remote and change the channel, but then Koutarou says something that catches him off guard.

"I don't believe you! We gotta compare, dude!" If they base just off of this, and he doesn't get to see what Tetsurou's dick size is.. Well, how is he ever going to definitely know? At his request, Tetsurou arches a brow at him, but he knows.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Nothin' wrong with comparing dick size. It's like, comparing car models or something, right?" He smirks lopsidedly at Koutarou as he stands, wriggling off his pajama pants and his boxers until they pool at his feet. He sets his hands on his hips, and waits for the reaction he knows is coming.

"... Bro... you're fucking hung." Koutarou says, and he feels almost like beaming, almost like he should be parading his dick around for all to see (but that would be gay, really). Instead of doing that, he just nods.

"Yeah, but it's cool. You're pretty big too, y'know? We're both pretty big."

"... But... I guess that means you... would top me?" Koutarou says slowly, and then he shakes his head, as if he's in disbelief.

"Same rules as earlier apply, y'know, like, no gay or anything, but. Seriously. I need you to think about like.. I get fucking huge when I'm hard, y'know? I mean, I'm not now, obviously, but still. We could.. I could prove it, or something, if you want." 

Tetsurou doesn't know if he's heard that correctly. Koutarou can't believe he's just said it, but he steels himself with a calm, mental reminder of, 'it's not gay, it's like car sizes', and waits for Tetsurou to respond.

"Well, I guess, we're like.. we're just bros, y'know. It's not like I'm gonna trip and fall onto your dick or anything, we're just comparing. But... no looking each other in the eyes, or anything? That'd be really gay man."

"Yeah, it's not like I'm jacking off /to/ you. I'm jacking off /with/ you."

For some reason, Tetsurou understands the logic behind that statement, and he reaches down to wrap a hand around his dick. Koutarou mimics him, and then the two of them are just slowly stroking themselves towards hardness, and neither of them are looking at one another.

Koutarou breaks the rule first. His breathing starts to get a little heavy, and he's definitely at least past half-mast now, so he looks at Tetsurou to see where he's at, just to compare, that's all. Instead, he finds himself looking at Tetsurou's abs, and then his pecs, and then he's looking at his face. Fuck.

And then Tetsurou looks up, and they make eye contact with one another.

"Fuck, your abs, Tetsu, Shit, they're like, flexing or something when you're jerking yourself off, what's your workout again, let's workout tog--"

"Koutarou, I'm s-still bigger," Tetsurou can't believe how breathy he is, how Koutarou's skin listens a little bit with sweat, and he's desperate all of a sudden to touch Koutarou's skin. It isn't like he hasn't grabbed his hand a million times before, isn't like he hasn't shoved Koutarou around and felt the other man against him. He's torn with the need to figure out what Koutarou's skin feels like, if it's as soft as the rest of him... He wants to touch Koutarou's dick.

"Maybe it's because.. I'm not touching your dick. Y'know, like, it's like, handjobs are more enjoyable from other people, right?" 

Did he just say that? Did he really just say that? Koutarou's mind reels, and then he just, "It's not gay if it's to help a brother out?" 

Tetsurou shakes his head, and then before Koutarou knows what's happening, Tetsurou's hand is on his dick. He's jacking him off, and then Koutarou is touching his dick, and then his stomach starts to tighten, and shit, he's getting close to cumming --

"Dude, stop, you gotta look now or else I'm gonna fucking cum, shit, Tetsu---" 

He stops, and Koutarou is torn between being happy that they can compare, and wishing that the contact was still there. He looks down at their two dicks, side by side, and removes his hand off of Tetsurou's shaft with a nervous swallow.

".. I think you're still bigger than me." He says, trying not to pout, but he's having trouble exercising any sort of control over his voice. His cheeks are flushed, his hands are tingling, and Tetsurou is staring at his face like he's got pizza sauce on it. Tetsurou thinks that Koutarou looks a little bit like he's just gotten off the court, cheeks warm, breathing hard, his hands shifting nervously at his sides, and something about it makes his throat constrict.

"... It's alright, I mean, your dick would probably be less painful to fit inside someone, right? Hypothetically, of course, y'know."

"But that guy on television was basically a fucking horse and got his dick up someone's ass. How does that even work? What kind of science is it? Dick to ass magic, or something?"

"I mean... like... I don't know. The only way I'd know is if I did it, I guess."

"... For science?"

"If it's for science, it's probably not gay."

"Definitely not gay for science. Discovery, and shit. The future."

Tetsurou wonders if he's really hearing this conversation, if he's really talking about fucking his best friend, and then Koutarou continues.

"I've got lube in the nightstand," He says, and just as Tetsurou begins to reach for it, he pauses.

"... I don't know how you, like, prepare someone for gay sex."

"It's not gay sex, it's just anal!" Koutarou blurts, and Tetsurou stares down at him.

"But like, how do I fit my dick in you without hurting."

"... It'll hurt?"

"Yeah, probably like, taking a really bad reverse dump?"

It's as Koutarou starts to ponder this that there's a large thump outside the door - he startles as Tetsurou does, staring at each other with wide eyes.

"W-what was that?" Koutarou asks fearfully, and Tetsurou stares down at him.

"Oh, heck, Keiji -- is he alright?! How are we supposed to check on him when we're... like this?!" He gestures to their glaring erections.

"Sweatpants... and a really large t-shirt...? I'll carry a pillow out!! Fuck, that's a good idea, right!!" Koutarou leaps from bed, awkwardly waddling with his hard-on towards his discarded sweatpants, pulling them on as fast as he can in his condition. He yanks on a large t-shirt, thrown over his laundry hamper (he doesn't sniff it first, either, oops), and then reaches for the cushion from his desk chair before he opens the door...

And Keiji is there, on the floor, and---

"He's unconscious!!" Koutarou squawks, struggling to his knees as Tetsurou rushes out behind him (if you could call it rushing).

"Keiji?!"

Weakly, Keiji's eyes flutter open, and as soon as they do, they narrow. 

"I... just wanted to come back and ask if you guys wanted velveeta or easy mac, and instead..." He closes his eyes, and puts a hand over his face, "I... heard... that. I can't believe..."

"I hate you both."


End file.
